Thoughts on finding a Christlike significant other

“Nobody’s perfect” we all concede. Very true. However, there is a world of a difference between an imperfect person who has prioritized pursuing Christlikeness above all else versus someone who is complacent in his or her imperfection. In terms of a model Christ-centered relationship, I am always struck by my conversations with Kaarina Shieh (Dean of Seminary Students at Tyndale Seminary), who has been married for 15 years. While talking to her about my relationship with my girlfriend, she casually remarked that her and her husband have never got in a heated argument, raised their voices at each other, or emotionally “fought” during these 15 years of their marriage. Taking my whole knowledge of her character into consideration, I can tell that she and her husband are not holding up pent up negative emotions towards each other that have been suppressed all these years. No one can suppress bitterness, anger, or hostile emotions towards one’s significant other for 15 years no matter how good of an actor one is. The only rational explanation for how that is possible is that both partners, although imperfect Christ followers themselves, are nevertheless experientially living from the Kingdom of God on a daily basis in such a way that has extraordinary effects on the moment to moment ups and downs of daily existence. Imperfect people? Of course. But they are imperfect people who have learned and are learning how to consistently step into, operate from, and utilize God’s divine resources from another reality (the Kingdom of God) that cause superhuman effects of being truly loving, caring, and selfless in the 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 sense. The end result is an imperfect but supernaturally loving person who can love others like Jesus in a way that exceeds our natural capacities and is beyond human.

In contemplating what characteristics are important for one’s significant other to have, I would have to say that there is a difference between searching for the gifts of the Spirit in one’s partner, and searching for the fruit of the Spirit in one’s partner. According to the Bible, the gifts of the Spirit are unique in each disciple of Jesus. According to 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, Paul writes that each person is supernaturally gifted by the Holy Spirit in their own unique ways. In addition to the specific examples given in these lists, some of us followers of Christ have a strength of being a leader, others are good thinkers, others are gifted in empathy, other are skillfully artistic, others are skillful with their words and communication and the list can go on and on. What we desire in a significant other in terms of how they are gifted in their strengths may vary according to personal preferences. However, when it comes to the fruit of the Spirit, Paul writes in Galatians 5:22-26 (within the context of Galatians 5:16-26) that the fruit of the Spirit should not be “optional” for the disciple of Jesus. While it is reasonable to think that some members of the Body of Christ are to be teachers, others evangelists, others with the gift of hospitality etc., we should not think that some members of the Body of Christ should only be gentle, while others should only be patient, while others are only kind. In other words, it is the duty and responsibility of each member of the Body of Christ to learn how to have a hands-on grasp of how to be led in the Spirit in such a way as to naturally produce the fruit of the Spirit as a byproduct of abiding in Christ. This, on the human side of things, is done through connecting with God consistently through Christian spiritual disciplines.

 I would say that when choosing a significant other, the gifts of the Spirit in the disciple of Jesus that one is considering should be secondary and even optional according to certain preferences. However, the fruit of the Spirit should not be optional, and although no one is perfect, the person under consideration should be a person who has it as their priority to abide in Christ so deeply and consistently that the fruit of the Spirit naturally grows in the person. A person who is so connected with God that the fruit of the Spirit are growing abundantly in them is a joy, pleasure, delight, and thrill to be with (provided that you have social and spiritual chemistry with them). If you have the added bonus of being romantically attracted to them, and the attraction is mutual, you have found a partner where, although you both will never be perfect, you can have the type of Christ-centered relationship where you two can experience a marriage where both partners do not raise their voices angrily, vent out frustration, and emotionally fight with each other for fifteen years. Effortlessly and easily. Even if fights, outbursts, and tension do arise from time to time, they will not be the regular pattern of things, and the texture of the relationship will be qualitatively different from the texture of the relationship where one or both members of the relationship do not have abundant amounts of the fruit of the Spirit to produce superhuman effects of Christlike character in each person as a result from being led by the Spirit to deeply abide in Christ.

I am so immensely blessed to have found my current girlfriend who strives to deeply abide in Christ through being led by the Spirit to have such great character. The fruit of the Spirit definitely are exhibited in her character and she is such a joy to journey together to serve God with and grow with in God. What a blessing to be with her.