Ever increasing levels of the unknown

It seems as if with every additional year that I intentionally try to follow God more closely, the more unknowns emerge and more unknowns are forecasted for my future.

When I first started this intentional walk with God through spiritual formation about 4-5 years ago, I thought I knew roughly how my life would turn out 4-5 years later. God has drastically, I mean DRASTICALLY flipped my plans upside down and shattered them. Where I would work. My income. Who and when I would marry. What my "part-time"/non-paid ministry would be like. How my relationship with God would existentially feel like on a day to day basis in relating to him. What kind of theological equipping I would be engaged in. What kind of role in the Great Commission I would have.

All flipped. All shattered.

God definitely has a way of turning our plans upside down. But I'm getting used to it. And it doesn't seem as unpleasant as it used to be.

And I realize that most biblical characters who walked close with God had to live a life full of unknowns with God where God guided them the next few steps of their journey and not the next mile. Abraham. Noah. Elijah. Moses. David. Peter. Paul. They lived lives full of unknowns when they intentionally tried to grow and remain close with God relationally. I'm sure a lot of the time these characters knew that they wouldn't be able to predict what major shifts in their lives would happen to them next year, let alone next month, let alone next week, and sometimes... even the next day. But, for the most part, they were okay with it. Or at least they learned to be okay with it (after respectfully yet sincerely flipping out and venting their off-guard emotions to God at times). This seems like part of the package in walking closely with God. It's either a good thing or bad thing depending on how one looks at it.

All I know is that right now, I have no idea who and when I'll marry. When/what kind of work I'm going to do (although I do have my God-given wishes, and I see more and more of how he's shaped me and is showing me more and more what my role in the Kingdom of God is). Where I'll live. What "part time"/non-paid ministry I would do. What area in the Kingdom of God I should proactively try to grow in. How my relationship with God will existentially feel on a day to day basis in the future. etc. Every time I try to predict/plan this stuff, God just ends up rearranging things.

I'm learning not only to accept the unknown, but to try to develop the attitude of learning to delight in it. God's the best storywriter afterall.

Divine Copyright on Insightful Thoughts/Analogies

It happened again.

I gave my friend, who was preparing a sermon, what I thought was a great/insightful analogy in helping others understand an apparently spiritually confusing/complex idea in nice and simple everyday logic/concrete examples. I thought the idea was brilliant to be completely honest.

Then, when he was preaching the next day, there was an inner battle going on inside of me as soon as he started.

My spirit began to caution me: "Watch it. Don't desire your friend to mention you if he says the analogy you gave him yesterday in order to bring recognition to yourself in front of the congregation today. Careful now. Don't desire this."
My flesh rebelled immediately: "Oh, but I do hope that I do get recognized for this brilliant analogy if he does mention it! Then people will see how insightful my mind is to come up with these genius parallels with everyday life to understand seemingly complex spiritual things!"
My spirit: "No. Don't yearn for it. Stop. You are not to yearn for attention being brought to yourself. Glory goes to God alone. Stop wanting recognition."
My flesh: "But I want to be known. I came up with the analogy! It rightly belongs to me! If my friend says it, then I ought to be recognized! It's only proper! It's only fair to want brilliant new ideas given publicly to be identified with the person who came up with them! It's intellectual copyright! If my friend uses the analogy, it's my idea so he ought to give recognition to me because it's my thought!"

This huge battle was secretly going on inside of me for a while. Quietly, but intensely. The mysterious contradictions of the human heart on the road to sanctification.

Then.... suddenly... a God thought penetrated right in the middle of this battle in my heart.

"Chris, when I give your mind ideas/analogies to explain complex spiritual truths, do you remember to make sure to identify the idea with me? After all, I was the one who came up with these ideas and gave them to you, you're not the one who came up with them." - God

Ouch. Touche. Burn. Checkmate. Over. GG. No-question-repentance needed asap.

Oh, how I still have such a long way to go!

Hot and Cold

It happened again. The Lord speaking to me through my complaints about other people. When he does this, I immediately shut up and repent about my attitude of complaining about other people's behaviour, when I realize all of a sudden that I've been exhibiting the exact same behaviour to God in my relationship with him.

(The following is an edited paraphrase of a non-verbal dialogue I was having with God in the shower tonight. Me and God don't always use words when we talk about things on our hearts, but for reflection's sake, it becomes clearer to myself when I try to put it into words and get more clarity from reflecting the conversation off a verbal mirror)

"God, I don't like the fact that I'm on the receiving end of "hot and cold" from this person. It's really not enjoyable. Although it's enjoyable when its hot, it's really not enjoyable when things get cold again. Repeatedly. I'd rather this person not be "hot and cold", but just remain cold if this person doesn't want to remain consistently "hot" to me. It's not pleasant. I'd really prefer receiving nothing over this kind of vascillation."

"Chris, how often are you "hot and cold" to me? I'd rather you either remain "hot" towards me all the time, rather than you vascillate being "hot and cold" to me during certain days/hours. It's not enjoyable to be on the receiving end of this kind of vascillation." (God said this to me in a gentle/loving tone.)

Ouch. At that moment, not only my face had fresh water splashing on it, but so did my spirit.

How often am I "hot and cold" towards God throughout my day? Certain hours, I can be "hot" towards God in terms of how much I like him, treasure him, want to be with him, get to know him, love him, seek him with all my heart, and simply "chill" with him without any "agenda". Then other hours of the day, I get "cold" towards him. Not hateful towards him, but just "cold". It's not that I abandon my faith, or do blatantly/intrinsically sinful things (at least all the time), but I seek to find my hope, joy, treasure, emotions, and satisfaction in other neutral things, like computer games, following pro sports, reading, my relationships with others, social networking, socializing with others, and other things. These things aren't bad in and of themselves, but they can easily distract me from all out consistent white-hot obsessive seeking/desire towards concrete/street-level interactive relationship with God. There is a part of me that wants quick pleasure/fun sometimes. But there is a greater part of me that really desires God to no-nonsensely be my best friend. I desire to be in a state where I can truly say that I sense closer intimacy with God than with my best human friend (Bobby) in this season in my life.

One of the things that stuck out to me as I did some listening prayer with other brothers and sisters in the faith yesterday was that God told me something along the lines of "when you're serious with me, I'll get serious with you." Ouch. It resonated with my spirit immediately. I thought I was somewhat serious with God already. I thought those were the kind of things I ought to tell other Christians yearning and desiring to experience more/deeper intimacy with God themselves. I needed that gentle exhortation/rebuke/encouragement myself. 

Sorry Lord, for these double standards of mine. Forgive me for being hot and cold to you throughout the day. I want to be hot towards you every hour.

Hot and cold is not cool. Double entendre intended.